a mo(u)rning diary

“For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”

– Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being (via half—right)

washed my hair for the first time in like 10 days and it’s still the most productive thing i’ve done since i decided to hole myself up until the term is over.

washed my hair for the first time in like 10 days and it’s still the most productive thing i’ve done since i decided to hole myself up until the term is over.

nothing stable, nothing patient here.

(not going to write a sappy blog post about how proud i am of luca). i’m listening to the new recordings that were done by the faux cults in my closet, with a microphone taped to my grandmother’s antique sewing box amongst crates full of fabric and old NES games. i’m not even going to get into it in detail because i’m going to start crying again, but when i met you you were so shy and uncertain about yourself and now you’re a fucking suave rockstar man with many blazers and projects. i’m going to stop because hearing tagus recorded clearly and mixed well made me cry for the first time since i was on that awful medication last month, and i don’t want to set myself into a sad cycle again (especially since it snowed today… even though it’s almost april and it will HOPEFULLY be over soon, i keep having flashbacks to the start of december and thinking how hopeless 4+ more months of the cold would be). it’s just so good and i’m so happy to watch people, especially my best friends, grow and explore themselves. 

i’m so proud of all my friends, they motivate me to be better - to try harder and not give up. ah i’m having a huge peterborough music binge of all my favourite musicians, i love this town so much sometimes. 

literally all of the positive feels today. I love my friends so much, this was such an uplifting and wonderful birthday.

i just missed my first counselling appointment in almost a year. i booked it over a month ago - it’s something that i desperately needed and i fucking forgot all about it. 

suggest shows to watch so i don’t have to think about how shitty everything is right now? i breezed through all of downton abbey, true detective, and my mad fat diary in the past few weeks so uhh that’s where i’m at. films are appreciated too, i just need to do something that will help me forget about my shitty life for the next few hours.

riley bought a calendar & i really hope it helps me.

i was on the street car growing more anxious after each stop because i knew we were getting closer. things are roughly as i remember them, though someone has finally painted “650 1/2” on the black door. i’ve passed it a few times, shakily pointing it out to whoever i’m with, “that’s where he lived.”

the last time i was there i drank a whole bottle of wine with margarida in an alley and i don’t think we spoke a word to each other - but i know we were both speaking to you.

sometimes i just want someone to cry with.